Sometimes you just need to get it all out, holding it in only eats you alive and devours your spirit. Well no more, it is time I reclaim my body, mind, and soul!
I was 5 months pregnant, sitting in unbearable heat assisting "S" in fixing the washing machine that was busted in a recent move. I headed inside to cool down and relax, while checking email I accidentally closed the washer repair instructions. I went to the history of the browser to return to the instructions. I found more than I bargained for. My new husband was on three to four dating websites having inappropriate conversations with random girls. The more I dug the more I found dating back to a month before our marriage. In his email he had a vast collection of inappropriate photos not just from dating website girls but girls he used to date. I even found a substantial money transfer to "J" he used to date to help "buy her son school lunches." My body went numb, my heart was shattered, and I found myself a scared child and resenting the baby I was carrying.
That night I confronted S and he denied everything until I provided proof. Lying was so easy for him, he did it on a daily basis. He drug his "best friend" M into the issue and she proceeded to tell me to suck it up and he was doing nothing wrong. He just let her call me inappropriate names and badger me constantly. I began to believe it was entirely my fault. I was to blame. I was not woman enough, I was not pretty enough, I was fat (pregnant hello!!), I was not smart enough, I was all of these things I have never allowed to enter into my brain. I felt like a lost soul.
That night he promised me he would no longer talk to any of those women again , the next day I found multiple text to J. I went to pack my bags and load them in my car when I tripped and fell scraping myself up pretty bad and my baby stopped moving for hours, this prevented me from leaving. I cannot even begin to describe the pain I felt. He kept telling me it was not cheating. Sexual or emotional... it is cheating and my heart breaks all the same. This was our game for the next few months. I would catch him, he would lie, I would show proof, he would swear he would stop, I would try to go home but I could not bring myself to do it (and bed rest prevented me from the uncomfortable 5 hour drive home).
In July the love of my life was born. That day I became a stronger person and mother. Every decision I made was for her. She was so beautiful and perfect, I owed it to her to allow her dad to know her. The military soon shipped us off to Hawaii. I hoped for a fresh start, but days after we arrive the same ol story continued. I had this little person to take care of and my emotional needs came dead last behind everything in life. It was eating me alive. I sought counseling where I was diagnosed with PTSD from the emotional trauma I was living on a day to day basis. We worked through some of the issues, but you cannot work through something that is never ending. It would be like trying to help a battered woman work through her problems and she returns home only to be beaten again. I began to sink into a deep depression, I would throw things, yell, hit him (although he admitted I was too small to do any damage), I threatened to leave so many times. Who was this woman? I most certainly was not the mother I promised my little girl I would be. My therapist left to return to the mainland and I felt abandoned.I met two amazing women who helped me through this tough time and find some semblance of myself through wine play dates. We just talked about life and soon I confessed the issues plaguing my marriage and never once was I judged or told I was in the wrong like I had been day after day in my home.
We eventually sought out marriage counseling. We quickly identified we both had problems but S refused to come to terms with the fact his problems led to my problems. After a few months he was kicked out for not trying. The therapist wanted to see my privately to assist me, things got strange when he began buying me coffee and wanting to talk personal lives. He kept pushing me to leave S when I had not openly declared my desires to leave. I stopped seeing him and went an alternative way with working out to alleviate some of my aggression and anger. I had a temporary break because I was so focused on getting into shape.
We went home for the holidays and after about a week and a half of putting on a happy face, he forgot our anniversary, and I was faced with having to leave my family when they were some of the only support I had. I lost it, I was so torn. I cried for days. Going back to Hawaii with this man I do not even know was the last thing I wanted to do. His family saw nothing wrong with his actions because he was not having sex with someone. Cheating is cheating is cheating. If I would not tolerate a man to treat my daughter that way, then why should I accept that. That was the beginning of becoming emotionally detached. Not only did I deserve better, but so did my little girl. I had to be the mom she deserved and I had to lead by example.
Fast forward a few months and the paperwork is filed with the military to get us home. I am living under the same roof with this man I do not even know he is texting women while sitting right next to me and he seems so proud he has won. I asked him to choose the internet and dating sites or his family. He made his choice, it was not ever mine. I allowed him to say what he wanted. I am anxiously awaiting paperwork from the military to get us home in the next few weeks. My parents have graciously offered us run of the second floor of their house for the next year so I can scrimp and save and get my teaching certification so I can have a stable job and holidays off to spend with my kiddo. While preparing to leave he has drained accounts, changing his mind on material things we agreed upon, has stayed out until four am and is on the computer for the one hour he spends with our daughter in the morning. If I knew I was living my last full time days with her I would spend every waking moment making the most of my time, but that is where we differ. His addiction takes over just like an alcoholic or drug addict.
The next year is going to be phenomenal for my daughter and I. We are going to bond in a way I never could have thought possible. My first memories are from age 2+ so this is the stuff that counts and I get to be there for it all! S will not be out of the military for over two years, his parents plan on flying him home every few months. Can I be honest? Stop enabling him! He needs to grow up! If he wants to see his daughter he will work for it and save, do not feed his addiction consequences! This is no different then parents giving their junky son money. Let him learn the hard way. I suppose my kiddo will be raised very differently. Life is not always easy and sometimes you have to miss out on things to become a better person.
Just like anyone entering into marriage I felt alive and in love, but I was too consumed to see it was one sided. I am using this as life experience. The next time around I will find someone whose love is strong enough and who is a good person with intentions of being an amazing father to my daughter and another child if God so chooses to bless me. I plan on spending the next few months in therapy dealing with my PTSD as well as anger issues. The church at home offers a recovery group for divorced women because of infidelities as well. Once I am ready they have a singles group and I will slowly put myself back out there. I am already emotionally detached and I have been for a while now so it does not seem like such a big step anymore. I am ready for what the future holds but I am learning to live in the now, because as far as I am concerned it is all we have. I am focusing on the little things my daughter does to make me happy without using her for my happiness and allowing God to shape us into who He wants us to be.
Let's call this new start Chapter 1 because I am learning to live again after almost 3 years. I want to show my daughter how to live and life is not about material things or what you can get from people. Rather, what you can gain out of living your life and shaping who you are as a person by the choices you make and people you interact with.
